Emerald pools.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Fotod: Elise Ader (link)
Uue puhta lehe keeramist on ilmselt vähemalt korra kõigil elus ette tulnud. Tihtipeale kaasneb selle protsessiga aga mingisugune naljakas ood homsele päevale ning äkiline, ilma mingisuguse hoiatava üleminekuta hüpe värskesse algusesse. Ma pole sellele varem mõelnud või pole lihtsalt puhtast teadmatusest tulenevalt tundnud seda hetke, mil lehekülg uut numbrit pöörama asub. Tõttöelda on see üsna naljakas tunne - selline kahelpool noatera kõikumise moodi, olles osaks nii ühel pool asuvas minevikus kummitavatele asjadele kui ka teisel pool lootusrikkust täis pikitud reaalsusele. Kuid kahtlemata on raske leida eneses seda ühte pisikest jõuliigutust, et lehekeeramisega ühele poole saada, ilma, et vastastikused tunded omavahel ühte põimuksid ja kogu protsessi pahaaimamatult edasi lükkaksid. Andes just nagu lootust, et käesolevale lehele kirja pandud ridadesse on veel ruumi muutusi sisse viia ja omalt poolt uusi kirja panna. Õnneks on aga kuskil kuklas kükitav ratsionaalsus tänasel hetkel naiivsusest tugevam. Sest mõnikord on lood lihtsalt oma lõpu leidnud ja tuleb uutega algust teha. 

I guess nearly all of us have at least once in our lives turned over a new leaf. Often a peculiar hope for tomorrow comes out in the open, followed by a sudden leap, without any obvious warning, into the highly hoped new beginning. I have never really thought about it or maybe I haven't been clever enough to actually really feel the moment of that change or shift in me happening. Truth to be told, it is a rather funny feeling. It reminds me of dancing on the razor's edge, being simultaneously a part of the things haunting me from the past and the endlessly hopeful reality. Without a doubt it is hard to make ourselves to just turn the page, without letting the controversial feelings collide and put the whole process in abeyance. As if to give away false hope, that there is still some space left for some changes between the previously written lines. Fortunately, this time around the rationality lying in the back of my head is stronger than naiveness. Because sometimes some stories have come to their end and there is nothing else left than to get the new ones going instead.


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