Freedom is a state of mind.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Lublin

Ma ei pea end just kõige ebausklikumaks inimeseks maailmas, kuid vahepeal tekib mul selline kahtlane tunne, et mu suust välja paisatud sõnadel on mingisugune sõnulseletamatu jõud. Seda eriti olukordades, mil miskit eriti head kipub mu elus juhtuma ning hinge poeb hirm, et selle aktsepteerimine ja päriselt välja ütlemine toob mingil moel kaasa kõige ilusa kaotsimineku. Ja ausalt öeldes olen end sedasi tundnud alates sellest hetkest, mil end Varssavis enam-vähem sisse olin seadnud. 

I don't think of myself as an extremely superstitious person, but sometimes I get this suspicious feeling that the words that come out of my mouth have some sort of an unexplainable power in them. That feeling comes across especially in situations when something wonderful happens in my life and I get this fear inside, that once I actually accept it and say it out loud, all the great things will disappear. And truth to be told I have had this feeling since the moment I had somewhat settled in in Warsaw. 

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Olen end viimastel nädalatel leidnud nii tihti mõttelt, et tõttöelda ei ole ma end päris pikka aega nii kodus tundnud, kui tunnen end siin olevat.  Ma poleks eales uskunud, et neid sõnu välja ütlen, eriti veel Varssavilaadse suurlinna kohta, millega veel mõned kuud tagasi mitte mingisugust emotsionaalset seost ei suutnud leida, kuid siin olles tundub kõik nii õige olevat. Ilmselt mängib kõiges suurt osa ka päikseliste ning suvehõngu täis pikitud aegade saabumine, mil kõik justkui ellu tärkab. Kõik tundub kergem ja inimesed, nii lähikonnas kui tänavapildis, on palju õnnelikumad. See on midagi, mida ilmselt iga vähegi põhja poolt pärit inimene pärast pikka ning rasket hallides toonides veedetud talve hinnata oskab.

I have found myself recently many times pondering on the thought of how I haven't felt this home for a long time like I do here. I would have never thought I say this actually out loud, especially when it comes to a big city like Warsaw, that just a few months ago I could not establish any emotional contact with, but everything feels so right in here. Probably the lovely sunny weathers and feel of summer are to blame of everything coming to life as well. Everything seems easier and people, around me and also on the streets, look a lot more happier. That is something that probably every person coming from the northen parts of the world can appreciate. Especially after a long and difficult grayscale winter. 

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Millegipärast kõlab see nii lihtsameeleselt, ehk isegi liigagi naiivselt, kui ütlen, et ma olen nii ääretult tänulik, kuid nii see on. Olen tänulik, et olen siiani olnud piisavalt kannatlik, pannes end uskuma õige hetke saabumisse ning hoides ära kerge sotsiaalsetest ootustest ning pingest tuleneva paanika tekkimise mu peas. Olen tänulik, et mu elus on just need inimesed, kes mind mu valikutes ja eesmärkides ilma mingi kahtluseta toetavad ning minu jaoks olemas on. Ja ma loodan, et ma suudan seda ka pikema aja möödudes meeles pidada ja endale teadvustada. Olen õnnelik, et mind ümbritseb just see linn ning selle melu, inimesed, kes end mu ümber soojalt sisse on seadnud ning põnev töökoht, kuhu pea iga päev kirjeldamatult hea meelega suundun. 

Tüüpilise eestlasena hakkan nüüd muidugi ootama seda hetke, mil mingi suur jama end mu teele veeretab, kuna liiga õnnelik ei saa ju ka olla, kuid seni tuleb lihtsalt nautida ja vooluga kaasa minna. 

It somehow sounds so simpleminded, maybe even a bit too naive, when I admit that I am really grateful, but that is how it is. I am grateful for the patience I have had so far, that has made me believe in the arrival of the right moment and has prevented me from panicking because of the surrounding social expectations and pressure. I am grateful for having all these people in my life, who support me in my choices and goals without any doubt. And I do hope I will be able to keep that in mind after more time passes by. I am happy that I am surrounded by this particular city, the people that have somehow nestled around me, and to have a job that I am happy to go to almost every single day. 

As a typical Estonian I will probably now start to wait for the moment to come when everything blows up, because you can never be too happy, can you? But I guess until that comes, I will have time to just enjoy and go with the flow. 


Your 20's are your selfish years.
 Old enough to make the right decisions and
young enough to make the wrong ones.
Be selfish with your time - travel, explore,
fall in and out of love, be ridiculous and silly,
stupid and wild.
Be 20something.

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